-- A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what! We learned how to make babies today" The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."

-- Ad copy must reach out and pull you in. Where your curiosity gets the better of you and you get caught reading the copy of the advertiser. (And wasn't it Sex that you were interested in? ;-)

-- Many years ago, advertisers attributed the following copy as one of the best:- "They laughed when I sat down to play." This ad captioned a man sitting down, playing a piano with his friends and family surrounding him, admiring his virtuosity--his ability to play the piano. They (supposedly) didn't know he could play. This ad "Sold Pianos." It made it big for the Baldwin Piano Company.

-- I suppose you want something with Sex in it? The Coppertone ad is your ultimate!! It has answered the perfect three attention getters: Female Nudity, Sex and Pets. - It illustrated a little sunburned girl trying to pry herself free from a puppy that is pulling down the rear of her bathing suit--exposing her clearskin unburned bottom. This ad is unforgetable and sells Coppertone Suntan Lotion.

-- "'Nerd Girls' show brains can be beautiful" --
-- "The business behind 'Sex'" --
-- "Dress Like A Star: Celebrity Fashion Lines" --

-- My last example will be of an ad that really ran but was pulled out of circulation by the U.S. Post Office: It was, "Send in a dollar and I will tell you how to make money." - This was a cheap two line ad found in the back of pulp publications. It drew inquiries in the thousands and made its author Rich.

-- It was published in the 1940's, in the era of the three-penny stamp, when a dollar was fair money. :: This slick scammer sent back an envelope with a small piece of paper in it that read, [get this] "Send out an ad that reads, "Send in a dollar and I will tell you how to make money." [This 'fortune-cookie' advertisement is a known fraud]

-- "Ads of the Weird - msnbc.com" --

-- "Modestly nude marble love goddess found" --
-- *I say that Archimedes is to be considered the Father of Sex. :: Greek Historians claim that he invented the Screw Pump!!

-- We have it on good authority, it's official;- the USPTO has stated: "In ceasing publication of the top 10 list, the USPTO is emphasizing quality over quantity by discouraging any perception that we believe more is better."
(- Of course, this statement is taken out of context, * but we know what they mean. ;-) -- "Bigger is Better"

-- "Small business partnering" --

-- "Youinventit.com Featured Story" ----> Read Klpz: With Klpz, you build a Cycle where you define the number of steps in the ideal pursuit process, the actions to take in each step, the messages to be delivered during each action and the timing between the steps.

-->> Get a move on -->>

-- GPod vibrator hits high note with Japanese women | NEWS.com.au

-- "Franklin and the Ladies of Paris by Rockwell, Norman Reproduction Oil Painting Fine Art" --

-- "Japan makes robot girlfriend for lonely men" --

-- "Have you seen this commercial for the Norelco electric shaver where this guy is in the shower and he switches the shaver from normal to sensitive? Sensitive? What is he shaving in there?" -- Jay Leno

-- "Scientists find childbirth wonder drug that can 'cure' shyness" ( . )( . ) -- "Pharmacology" --

-- "Cell phone message warns train gropers" --

-- "10 Ways to Have Fun with Boobs" --

-- "Obscure Patent: Pillow with breasts | IPWatchdog.com"

-- "It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." -- Abraham Lincoln

O.K. - You won't go away without a sex joke:
- The grandmother comes-over. She's visiting with her daughter when her twelve-year-old grandson comes home from school. --- "So what did you learn in school, sweetheart?" says the grandmother. - "Well, in Health class we learned about the parts of the human body, like penis and vagina and about the Human Reproductive System." - The grandmother is shocked and shouts out, "What are they teaching in school these days? Go wash your mouth out!" - The kid ignores her and goes up to his room. - The mother of the boy jumps in to say to her mother, "Ma, you're old fashioned..the children are more progressive than when I was growing up..they know about babies and sex..they're more mature than we were when we were their age." - The grandmother says, "You're right. I should go up and apologize for screaming at him." - She goes to his room and his door is closed tight. She quietly opens the door, as to not disturb him. - He's in bed--masturbating. - "Oh, oh," she exclaims, "..excuse me..I didn't want to disturb you while you were doing your homework."
:-))

-- Who said, "They said that if I didn't quit playing with myself I would go blind, so I'm doing it until I need glasses." -- Was it? a) Lou Costello b) Buddy Hackett c) Rodney Dangerfield d) Woody Allen

-- "The Wright Brothers' Flight only lasted twelve seconds. Orvill's wife said it wasn't unusual." --
-- David Letterman

-- -- -- Jewish Rhy Bread -- --

-- Two old guys, one 60 and one 67, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 67 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 60 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy?

-- The 67 year old said, "Well, I found out that if you eat Jewish Rhy Bread every day, it keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

-- So, on the way home, the 60 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help?

-- He said, "Do you have any Jewish Rhy Bread?"

-- She said, "Why yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like a loaf?"

-- He said, "I want 5 loaves before they're all gone."

-- She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to that 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

-- He replied, shaking his head, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Jewish Rhy Bread thing but me!!"

--> THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD: -->
The inventor of sliced bread, Otto Rohwedder, couldn't get any bakeries interested in his bread slicer in the early 1920's because they all said the bread would spoil too fast. They were right and sliced bread was not adopted. However, when Rohwedder asked himself how could that problem be overcome, he solved it by inventing an improved bread slicer that wrapped the bread afterward. That was in 1928 and the wrapped and sliced bread we know of today was invented.

-- Thought of the day: --
-- "Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it." -- Salma Hayek

-- "Amazon.com: Screw It, Let's Do It: Lessons In Life (Quick Reads): Books: Richard Branson" -- "Our approach is to try something, and if it doesn’t work, then try something else... and if it does work, try something else anyway." --

-- "Sexing Up UFOs" --

-- "Let catcalls slide" -- "Tired of lewd comments and unwanted attention, women are snapping photos of their harassers and posting them on the Web" --

--ww--> SHOCKING
-- "The electric chair was invented by a dentist."

-- This woman goes into a dentist's office. - After he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill your tooth."
-- The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, Doctor, the pain is so awful! I'd rather have a baby!"
-- To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

-- "Begin With P-A-S-S-I-O-N! --

-- "Better give Tinkerbell a call right now.

-- Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
-- In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis...
-- When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."
-- The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"
-- Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-- A breakthrough from the folks at IBM is allowing hard drive makers to increase storage capacity by sprinkling a layer of the element Ruthenium into the hard drive as it's manufactured." -- IntelligentX Technology

-- "Just another way to avoid sex, friends" --

-- "Some Web Firms Say They Track Behavior Without Explicit Consent" --

-- A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
-- "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
-- As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."

-- On Morning Differences:

>Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

>And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

>It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
-- -- Thought of the day --

-- "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

T.S. Eliot
1888-1965, Poet and Critic
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

-- "Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.

-- Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?"

-- After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now."

-- "Sex and marriage with robots? It could happen.."

-- The Kama Sutra describes sixty-four sexual pleasures and positions; some, only a contortionist could do; the average couple uses two.

-- "The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside The Statue of Liberty." -- Woody Allen -
Sex, Lies and Indiscretions

A BLUE JOKE: -- "In New York City, they're trying to pass a law that would require exotic dancers to pay taxes on the money they earn for lap dances. This law is for every guy who has said, 'This lap dance is great, but I wish there was something to fix potholes and build schools.'" -- Conan O'Brien

-- "Ingenious ( . )( . ) Invention" --

-- "The Love Mattress: Modern Sleeping Solutions for Couples | Inventor Spot --

-- Mathmatically - a sexillion is 10 to the 21st power.

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. "Now what?"

-- In exchange for the chance to be a star on TV, you give up your rights to your invention. What you're doing is entering into an exclusive licensing agreement. Once you do that, you can't try to license or sell your invention to another company for the duration of the agreement.

-- Royalties
-- In exchange, royalties are promised, typically 5%. That's not a bad royalty for some, but it depends. If you have a really great invention, a company might offer you a higher royalty. You also need to know how the royalty is calculated. Some agreements specify numerous expenses are first deducted from net sales or net proceeds. But what is the extent of those expenses? And royalties are often paid every quarter. Some of the invention contest agreements pay out royalties on a yearly basis. Personally, I'd rather get paid every quarter.

-- Performance
-- How about a performance guarantee? There's none that I've seen. You want to make sure a company sells a certain number of products every quarter to generate royalties. With no performance guarantee, they could sell only a few units, but they still have exclusive rights to your invention. You would think that they would do whatever it takes to market and sell your product to make a profit. But sometimes another product comes along that has a higher profit potential, and other products get put on the back burner. This happens more often than you might think.

-- Protection
-- Does your invention have a patent or patent pending? Just like most licensing deals, you need to have a patent allowed or at least filed. At a minimum you should log your idea in an inventor's notebook that is signed and dated by a witness or notary. If you don't have a patent, see what the contest agreement says about protecting your idea.

-- Summary
-- Invention contests might be a great way to make money from your clever ideas. But might you be able to get a better deal with a large manufacturer? First, let an attorney give you a legal opinion. I'm not an attorney so I can't give you legal advice. Whatever an attorney charges would be a great investment compared to thousands of potential lost royalty revenue. If the invention contest agreement is not favorable to you, don't sign it. You can ask the contest company to negotiate a certain point, but don't count on many exceptions.

-- If you enter an invention contest, let me know your experience. When you make it on TV, I'll be rooting for you!

  1) Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3) What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4) Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt.)

5) What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6) Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

9) If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts.)
b) Spain (5 pts.)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt.)
d) Hawaii (4 pts.)
e) Hollywood (3 pts.)

10) With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?,
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!
Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!
(10-16 points)
You are Garfield:
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember your happy spirit may hurt you or others.
  (18-26 points)
You are Snoopy:
You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.
(22-28 points)
You are Arnold:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer, if not you will have many conflicts with life.
  (29-34 points)
You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, then you will be stress free.
  (35-42 points)
You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.
  (43-50 points)
You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker. Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. Maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes.

-- "Angry Alien Productions: 30-Second Bunnies Theatre and other cartoons."

-- Thought of the day: --
-- "In the long run you hit only what you aim at. Therefore, though you should fail immediately, you had better aim at something high." - Henry David Thoreau
1817-1862, Essayist and Poet

- {BEING PUNCTUAL AND NOT MISSING A PERIOD} -

You've got sex on your mind -- "globeandmail.com: Dutch group develops 'intelligent pill'" --

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy. --

Will you let me be yours? --

Susan
--------------------------------------------
Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you. - Admit to being useless and inferior. - You have ruined me. - For other men I yearn, for you I have no feelings whatsoever. - When we're apart I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

-- Yours, Susan

Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'family jewels."

-- "Protection Can Be Fun - 10 Most Brilliant and Fun Condom Ads" --

-- "According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman 11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy's been asleep for nine minutes." - Jay Leno

-- SEVEN KINDS OF SEX....

Results of a recent research shows that there are seven kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen and laundry room. (Hint: on top the vibrating washer).

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom (when the kids are sleeping).

The 4th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular - Where Conception is a Miracle)

The 5th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you" and *"I don't give a F--k!"
{{*DILLIGAF}}

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. "It's the screwing you get for the screwing you got!"

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

AROUND THE HOUSE

* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????)

HABITS

* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.

* 17% have been caught by the host.

* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

* 29% of us ignore RSVP.

* 35% give to charity at least once a month.

* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

FOOD

* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

* Snickers is the most popular candy.

* 22% of us skip lunch daily.

* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.

* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

HYGIENE

* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

* 33% of women lie about their weight.

* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

(I thought that was preferred Trident gum)

* The average girl starts her period at age 12.

* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

Have you noticed that the doors on public restrooms for both men and women are pushed inward when entering through these doors? And when you leave the restroom, you have to pull upon a handle to get out? Couldn't they have been put on in-reverse? Installed [correctly] so that one only has to push with ones elbows to leave.

Do you know that a good many men and women DO NOT WASH THEIR HANDS after they evacuate their bowels? That they handle the door handles with their unclean hands? That even when you have washed and dried your own hands, that you have to pull that restroom door open!!

And that diseases are passed on this way, by shaking another's contaminated hands or touching ones own unclean genitals.

* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.

* 45.2% pee in the shower.

* 44.9% pee in the ocean.

* 28.1% pee in the pool.

* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

DRIVING

* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

(and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)

* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

* 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

(This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)

* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
Proposed Innovation: The Yellow Light would have large numbers upon it and would come on when the Green Light came on. The number would indicate the speed that proceeding traffic should follow in order to have a Green Light at the next intersection. The Yellow Light would flash twelve-seconds before the Red Light would come on. This timing would normally allow a free flow of traffic and would save fuel.

* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

RELIGION

* 90% believe in divine retribution.

* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

(That's one Commandment per person on average)

* 82% believe in an afterlife.

* 45% believe in ghosts.

* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)

* 49% believe in ESP.

DAILY LIVING

* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

* 59% of us say we're average-looking.

* Less than 10% are trilingual.

* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

* 44% reuse tinfoil.

* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

LOVE & SEX

* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

(How many claim they are?)

* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.