Logo of the Inventors Association of St. Louis

Inventors Connection
Inventors Association
of Saint Louis

Logo of the Inventors Association of St. Louis

United States Patent and Trademark Resource Center (PTRC)
St. Louis Public Library
1301 Olive Street
Saint Louis, Missouri 63103-2325
Tel: 314-241-2288
Fax: 314-241-3840
Contact: Ms Spruce Fraser
E-mail Address: sfraser@slpl.org
Web Page: www.slpl.org

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...(__o__)... *Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sexx
-- "Ma, you're old fashioned..
the children are more progressive than when I was growing up..they know about babies and sex.."
-- I Gotcha!! -> Let me tell you how: - The one thing in advertising is the knowledge of and the knowing how to catch the Public's Eye; - Your getting them to buy into your premise. I just caught your eye with my Topic Heading, "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sexx". [and how to make babies.]

-- A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what! We learned how to make babies today" The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."

Riddle Me This - What gets whiter as it gets dirtier? ;-)

-- Ad copy must reach out and pull you in. Where your curiosity gets the better of you and you get caught reading the copy of the advertiser.

(And wasn't it Sex that you were interested in? ;-)

> > On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently.

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. "You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer."

-> Answer to Riddle: A chalkboard.

Q. On which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day ( 9-Months after Mother's Night :-)

-- "Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, but a newspaper can always print a retraction." -- Adlai Stevenson

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

--> > As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read,

"Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page,
"You obviously have problems with homonyms.
A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass.
At your age it's time to learn the difference."

"You Don't Know Your Ass From A Hole In The Ground"

-- "Patently Absurd! - More absurd UK patents" --

--> --> Smart Ass Answer --

An elderly man asks an elderly woman to marry him. She inquires, "What about my money?"
He says, "Not to worry. I have real estate. I have plenty to keep us quite comfortable."
The woman then asks, "Where will we live?"
The old man says, "My home is large, and I have enough bedrooms to accommodate
all of our children and grandchildren."

Then she asks, "And what about sex?"
The man replies, "Infrequently."
"Is that one word or two?" she asks.

-- "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about,
and that is not being talked about."

-- Oscar Wilde, Playwright, Poet, and Author

-- A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

-- "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

-- "To kill my husband."

-- "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

-- The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

-- He takes the photo, and nods.

-- "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

-- "Our problems are man-made. Therefore, they can be solved by man." -- John F. Kennedy

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept
over at a girlfriend's house.

The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a
friend’s house.

The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over,
and two claim that he was still there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- "They took a survey and they found out that 13% of women are talking on their cell-phones during sex."

-- "I ask you ladies, can't you just wait two minutes?" -- Jay Leno
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- -- Thought of the day --

-- "If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. That's the lesson.
-- That lesson alone will save you a lot of grief. ---
-- Even doubt means don't."
-- Oprah Winfrey

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- Remember when getting stiff in the morning was a good thing? ;-))

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- What an 'Honor' ! --' -- "In the English language, prophylactics are believed to be named after
A certain Dr. Condom, personal physician to Charles II, the King of England.
A notorious philanderer, Charles fathered 14 I'llegitimate children before
Dr. Condom devised a sheath of sheep gut to prevent the birth of further
claimants to the throne. The potent King was so grateful, he knighted the
Doctor, who it seems, later changed his name."
-- Colors magazine --

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- "A whole different Playboy channel — for the blind"

-- "The Mommy Files : More women share their birth videos on Internet" --

When my daughter was about 9 years old I became pregnant. Of course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process. She asked, "Did you do that to get me?" I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- On this day in history, July 25, 1978, Louise Joy Brown, the world's first test-tube baby, is born in England. She was conceived via in vietro fertilization.

-- In 1991, the average bra size for women was 34B, today in 2012, it is 36C. The Discovery Channel

-- "Technophobia 'is decided when we are still in the womb' | Mail Online" --

"A sobering demonstration"

-- Many years ago, advertisers attributed the following copy as one of the best:- "They laughed when I sat down to play." This ad captioned a man sitting down, playing a piano with his friends and family surrounding him, admiring his virtuosity--his ability to play the piano. They (supposedly) didn't know he could play. This ad "Sold Pianos." It made it big for the Baldwin Piano Company.

-- I suppose you want something with Sex in it? The Coppertone ad is your ultimate!! It has answered the perfect three attention getters: Female Nudity, Sex and Pets. - It illustrated a little sunburned girl trying to pry herself free from a puppy that is pulling down the rear of her bathing suit--exposing her clearskin unburned bottom. This ad is unforgetable and sells Coppertone Suntan Lotion.

-- "Paedophiles could be tracked down by the way the use a keyboard while online" --

-- "'Nerd Girls' show brains can be beautiful" --
-- "The business behind 'Sex'" --
-- " As Britney Spears launches her own fashion line, what makes all these celebrities think they can design clothes?" --

-- My last example will be of an ad that really ran but was pulled out of circulation by the U.S. Post Office: It was, "Send in a dollar and I will tell you how to make money." - This was a cheap two line ad found in the back of pulp publications. It drew inquiries in the thousands and made its author Rich.

-- It was published in the 1940's, in the era of the three-penny stamp, when a dollar was fair money. :: This slick scammer sent back an envelope with a small piece of paper in it that read, [get this] "Send out an ad that reads, "Send in a dollar and I will tell you how to make money." [This 'fortune-cookie' advertisement is a known fraud]

-- "Don't get taken in by work-from-home scams - USATODAY.com" --

-- "Ads of the Weird - msnbc.com" --

-- "Groovy baby: Introducing the 'iPod' which plays music in the mother's womb" --

-- "Modestly nude marble love goddess found" --

-- “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing
in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-– Jay Leno

----> A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, "I want a quickie." She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!" "How disappointing," the man replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?" "He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly. "Hmmm," do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?" "I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly. A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."

-- -->"All men by nature desire knowledge." -- Aristotle, Metaphysics

-- *I say that Archimedes is to be considered the Father of Sex. :: Greek Historians claim that he invented the Screw Pump!! --The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-- "Stripper science earns frivolous fame" --

~~ Watch Ballroom Dancing: "A verticle example of a horizontal desire." - Dancing with the Stars, Dean Burns

-- The next time it comes up in your conversation about size being important. We have it on good authority, it's official;- the USPTO has stated: --
"In ceasing publication of the top 10 list, the USPTO is emphasizing quality over quantity by discouraging any perception that we believe more is better."

-- "It is estimated that there are 4.2 million porn sites on the Internet. About 200 new sites go live each day." --------------------------------------------> >
--------------------------------------------> >

--> "Small business partnering" --> >

--> Read Klpz: With Klpz, you build a Cycle where you define the number of steps in the ideal pursuit process, the actions to take in each step, the messages to be delivered during each action and the timing between the steps.

-->> Get a move on -->>

-- "Japan makes robot girlfriend for lonely men" --

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"

"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me,
she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again."

"Wow, what an incredible story! I hope she appreciates what you did for her."

"Not really. Even though she stunk at it, Jill hated to give up bowling."

Thought of the day

“There comes a time in your life,
when you walk away from all the drama
and people who create it.
You surround yourself with people who make you laugh.
Forget the bad, and focus on the good.
Love the people who treat you right,
pray for the ones who don’t.
Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Falling down is a part of life,
getting back up is living.”
~ Author Unknown

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- "Have you seen this commercial for the Norelco electric shaver where this guy is in the
shower and he switches the shaver from normal to sensitive? Sensitive? What is he shaving in there?"
-- Jay Leno

-- "According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2 percent of people actually shave while they're driving. They
shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those women?"
-- Jay Leno

-- "Scientists find childbirth wonder drug that can 'cure' shyness" ( . )( . ) -- "Pharmacology" --

-- "Cell phone message warns train gropers" --

-- "Dribbleglass.com--The History of Boobs" --

-- "10 Ways to Have Fun with Boobs" --

-- "Stress Chest Booby Water Ball" --

-- "Breast-feeding could save 1.3 million lives - Kids and parenting" --

-- "Obscure Patent: Pillow with breasts | IPWatchdog.com"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >
---> > The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was
disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

-- "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

-- Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who
was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
( * ) ( * )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- "It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." -- Abraham Lincoln

-- Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

-- "To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth.
"She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what,
and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to
dinner at an expensive restaurant."

-- "Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"

-- "Ah! Now there's a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever
she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."

-- "Celebrating the Louisiana Purchase (1904 World's Fair) -- French Cafes" --

O.K. - You won't go away without a sex joke:
- The grandmother comes-over. She's visiting with her daughter when her twelve-year-old grandson comes home from school. --- "So what did you learn in school, sweetheart?" says the grandmother. - "Well, in Health class we learned about the parts of the human body, like penis and vagina and about the Human Reproductive System." - The grandmother is shocked and blurts out, "What are they teaching in school these days? Go wash your mouth out with soap!" - The kid ignores her and goes up to his room. - The mother of the boy jumps in to say to her mother, "Ma, you're old fashioned..the children are more progressive than when I was growing up..they know about babies and sex..they're more mature than we were when we were their age!" - Thinking now, the grandmother says, "You're right. I should go up and apologize for screaming at him." - She goes to his room and his door is closed tight. She quietly opens the door, as to not disturb him. - He's in bed fondling his gorged erection-- masturbating. - "Oh, oh," she exclaims, "..excuse me..I didn't want to disturb you while you were doing your homework."

-- Who said, "They said that if I didn't quit playing with myself I would go blind, so I'm doing it until I need glasses." -- Was it? a) Lou Costello b) Buddy Hackett c) Rodney Dangerfield d) Woody Allen :: On the other hand, today, if you have a loss of sight or hearing, you can blame it on taking Viagra. -- R-i-g-h-t ...

-- "The Wright Brothers' Flight only lasted twelve seconds. Orvill's wife said it wasn't unusual." --
-- David Letterman

-- -- -- Jewish Rhy Bread -- --

-- Two old guys, one 60 and one 67, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 67 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 60 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy?

-- The 67 year old said, "Well, I found out that if you eat Jewish Rhy Bread every day, it keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

-- So, on the way home, the 60 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help?

-- He said, "Do you have any Jewish Rhy Bread?"

-- She said, "Why yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like a loaf?"

-- He said, "I want 5 loaves before they're all gone."

-- She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to that 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

-- He replied, shaking his head, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Jewish Rhy Bread thing but me!!"

The inventor of sliced bread, Otto Rohwedder, couldn't get any bakeries interested in his bread slicer in the early 1920's because they all said the bread would spoil too fast. They were right and sliced bread was not adopted. However, when Rohwedder asked himself how could that problem be overcome, he solved it by inventing an improved bread slicer that wrapped the bread afterward. That was in 1928 and the wrapped and sliced bread we know of today was invented.

1943: "Pre-sliced bread was banned in the U.S. for the duration of World War II, to conserve metal from spare parts that might be needed"

-- Thought of the day: --
-- "Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it." -- Salma Hayek

- An 85-year old man is out on a pond fishing in his boat.
- He hears a tiny voice saying, "Pick me up."
- He looks down and he sees a frog on a lilly pad and picks it up.
- The frog says, "Thank you. I have been enchanted by an evil witch."
- "I am really a beautiful princes and if you kiss me on my lips, I will be returned to my former self."
- "I will then be yours to love and marry and we will live together happily ever-after."
- The old codger doesn't kiss it and instead puts the frog in a jar he happens to have.
- He says to the frog, "Too old for sex, but I sure can make money with a talking frog." :-))

-- "LiveScience.com: The Most Popular Myths in Science" --

-- "Japanese gadget controls iPod in blink of an eye"

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

“Guess what I heard today?” a man says to his wife.

“What, hon?” she asks.

“I heard the mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one!”

“Huh,” his wife says, “I bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis next-door.”

-- -- "The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguements for it, and become blind to the arguements against it."

-- "Amazon.com: Screw It, Let's Do It: Lessons In Life (Quick Reads): Books: Richard Branson" -- "Our approach is to try something, and if it doesn’t work, then try something else... and if it does work, try something else anyway." --

-- "Sexing Up UFOs" --

-- "Let catcalls slide" -- "Tired of lewd comments and unwanted attention, women are snapping photos of their harassers and posting them on the Web" --

--ww--> SHOCKING
-- "The electric chair was invented by a dentist."

-- This woman goes into a dentist's office. - After he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill your tooth."
-- The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, Doctor, the pain is so awful! I'd rather have a baby!"
-- To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

-- "Begin With P-A-S-S-I-O-N! --

-- "Framed for child porn _ by a PC virus" --

-- Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
-- In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis...
-- When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."
-- The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"
-- Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ xwwx 0. /..\_ 0. wwx
-- “I have seen the future, and it’s very much like the present, only longer” -- Woody Allen

-- A breakthrough from the folks at IBM is allowing hard drive makers to increase storage capacity by sprinkling a layer of the element Ruthenium into the hard drive as it's manufactured." -- IntelligentX Technology

-- Phone Caller: "Do you have a Sexauer, there?"
-- Telephone Receptionist: "Mister, we're lucky if we get a 5-minute coffee break!"

-- "Just another way to avoid sex, friends" --

-- "Some Web Firms Say They Track Behavior Without Explicit Consent" --

-- A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
-- "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
-- As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."

Women are like that!

Arriving home from work as usual at 5:30 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so before a fight started in earnest I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"

-- "I don't know what it is but I know what I like." "Behind the Controversy: How Evolution Works | LiveScience" --

-- "French MPs want health warnings on airbrushed photographs" --

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
"What's this daily charge for 'fruit'?" the hotel guest asked the manager. "We didn't eat any."

"But the fruit was placed in your room every day. It isn't our fault if you didn't take advantage of it."

"I see," said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill.

"What are you doing?" sputtered the manager.

"I'm subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife."

"What? I didn't kiss your wife."

"Ah," replied the man, "but she was there."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

-- -- Thought of the day --

-- "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

T.S. Eliot
1888-1965, Poet and Critic

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
-- "Survey: 46% of women, 30% of men choose Internet over sex" --

-- "Marriage thrives despite our evolving sex lives" --

-- On Morning Differences:

>Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

>And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

>It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

< --> > For all those men who say "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
--> > Here's the update for you.
--> > Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
--> > Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

-- "Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.

-- Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?"

-- After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now."

-- "Idea Bounce: Condom Limitation Label" --

-- "Sex and marriage with robots? It could happen.."

-- The Kama Sutra describes sixty-four sexual pleasures and positions; some, only a contortionist could do; the average couple uses two.

Here's one that you can tell your wife...
...She'll understand.
.. She lay there.. lying on her side, comfortably relaxed..

He reached behind her and barely touched her bare back. Then his hand touched her .. gently .. between her shoulder blades.

She was getting physically aroused. ...

His hand now went down, ..down her backside. Slipping downward.

A light touch. She felt its warmth.

Now, higher. It stopped ... Now nothing.

She sighed.. her lips trembled, "Why did you stop?" She purred.. ..

"Huh?" "Oh... ?"

"I found the remote control !!"
-- "The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside The Statue of Liberty." -- Woody Allen -
Sex, Lies and Indiscretions

A BLUE JOKE: -- "In New York City, they're trying to pass a law that would require exotic dancers to pay taxes on the money they earn for lap dances. This law is for every guy who has said, 'This lap dance is great, but I wish there was something to fix potholes and build schools.'" -- Conan O'Brien

-- "Ingenious ( . )( . ) Invention" --

-- "The Love Mattress: Modern Sleeping Solutions for Couples | Inventor Spot --

-- Mathmatically - a sexillion is 10 to the 21st power.

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. "Now what?"

- "There is no use trying," said Alice,
"one can't believe impossible things."
- "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen.
- "When I was your age I always did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
-- Lewis Carroll

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >
--> > "He who stops being better stops being good." -- Oliver Cromwell
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> >

-- "In exchange for the chance to be a star on TV, you give up your rights to your invention. What you're doing is entering into an exclusive licensing agreement." -- Before you sign up for an invention contest, you need to look into the agreements.

-- In exchange for the chance to be a star on TV, you give up your rights to your invention. What you're doing is entering into an exclusive licensing agreement. Once you do that, you can't try to license or sell your invention to another company for the duration of the agreement.

-- Royalties
-- In exchange, royalties are promised, typically 5%. That's not a bad royalty for some, but it depends. If you have a really great invention, a company might offer you a higher royalty. You also need to know how the royalty is calculated. Some agreements specify numerous expenses are first deducted from net sales or net proceeds. But what is the extent of those expenses? And royalties are often paid every quarter. Some of the invention contest agreements pay out royalties on a yearly basis. Personally, I'd rather get paid every quarter.

-- Performance
-- How about a performance guarantee? There's none that I've seen. You want to make sure a company sells a certain number of products every quarter to generate royalties. With no performance guarantee, they could sell only a few units, but they still have exclusive rights to your invention. You would think that they would do whatever it takes to market and sell your product to make a profit. But sometimes another product comes along that has a higher profit potential, and other products get put on the back burner. This happens more often than you might think.

-- It's better to have an agreement that states they must sell a certain number of units, or you must receive a certain royalty payment in a given time period. Otherwise they loose exclusive rights, and you can license your invention to another company.
-- -- Thought of the day: --
-- "Failure is only postponed success, as long as courage coaches ambition. The habit of persistence is the habit of victory." -- Herbert Kaufman, 1878-1947, Writer

"How long are you bound to the agreement? Some invention contest agreements are for 10 or 20 years." -- Term
-- How long are you bound to the agreement? Some invention contest agreements are for 10 or 20 years. If your invention is making millions, that's great. What if it's not selling? I've seen many licensing agreements that have a term of 5 years. After 5 years, you decide what you want to do. You can mutually agree to continue, or shop around for a better deal.

-- Protection
-- Does your invention have a patent or patent pending? Just like most licensing deals, you need to have a patent allowed or at least filed. At a minimum you should log your idea in an inventor's notebook that is signed and dated by a witness or notary. If you don't have a patent, see what the contest agreement says about protecting your idea.

-- Summary
-- Invention contests might be a great way to make money from your clever ideas. But might you be able to get a better deal with a large manufacturer? First, let an attorney give you a legal opinion. I'm not an attorney so I can't give you legal advice. Whatever an attorney charges would be a great investment compared to thousands of potential lost royalty revenue. If the invention contest agreement is not favorable to you, don't sign it. You can ask the contest company to negotiate a certain point, but don't count on many exceptions.

-- If you enter an invention contest, let me know your experience. When you make it on TV, I'll be rooting for you!

-- Your Product Coach, Matt Yubas
Matt Yubas
8574 Summerdale Road
San Diego, CA 92126
matt@mattyubas.com - 1-619-820-1269
-- Assisting entrepreneurs, inventors and everyday people with new ideas. -- Coaching, Invention Success Kit, Seminars -  

"Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?" CARTOON CHARACTER QUIZ
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?
A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well know and modern cartoon characters.
The information that was gathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all your points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.
Do not cheat by looking at the end before you are done!

  1) Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3) What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4) Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt.)

5) What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6) Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7) What do you prefer to eat right now?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)  

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-- "Cartoon Resource - Business cartoons, law cartoons, health cartoons, dog cartoons, presentation cartoons - Professions - Military - IML174-RY" --
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-- Kilroy Was Here


Sponge Bob Square Pants?

Charlie Brown?


8) What is your favorite Holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentines Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9) If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts.)
b) Spain (5 pts.)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt.)
d) Hawaii (4 pts.)
e) Hollywood (3 pts.)

10) With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?,
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!
Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!
(10-16 points)
You are Garfield:
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

  (18-26 points)
You are Snoopy:
You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(22-28 points)
You are Arnold:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer, if not you will have many conflicts with life.

  (29-34 points)
You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, then you will be stress free.

  (35-42 points)
You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

  (43-50 points)
You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker. Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. Maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes.

-- Be apprised that this is our first R-Rated material, dealing with "Computer Technology At Its Best," since 'When Your Wife is Out of Town Machine' story heard at our IASL Meeting ;-)
-- "This guy goes into a drugstore and sees a machine with a sign that says, "Find out what ails you and its cure - Deposit your urine sample here and $10.00." -- He enters the Men's Room, draws his urine sample, pours this piss into the machine & inserts his $10.00. -- It whirs, buzzes, lights flash and out comes a card, reading: -- You have a bad tennis-elbow.
__________-- Your arm needs a full two-week rest.

-- The Machine is RIGHT!! -- He goes home thinking, "Hmmm, maybe the machine isn't really that great?--I'll trick it to find out! -- He fills a jar with urine from his wife, his daughter, dog, and for good measure masterbates and ejaculates a sample semin into it. -- He takes his jar to the drugstore, pours it into the machine, puts in his $10.00 and waits. -- The machine sputters with vibrant sounds and lights. Out pops a card: "Your daughter has been fooling around...Ground her. Your wife is a slut and is pregnant. The twins won't be yours...Divorce her. -- Your dog needs spaying. And if you don't quit playing with yourself, your tennis-elbow will never heal!!" :-))

-- "Sex does the body good - Forbes.com - MSNBC.com" -- "..the bed [as] the single greatist piece of exercise equipment ever invented."

-- "FOXNews.com - Microsoft's New Search Engine Puts Porn in Motion - Science News | Science & Technology | Technology News" --

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED - which one are you??

Sipping her drink, the single 20-year-old girl leered and said, "Last Friday,. At the end of the work, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman,what's for dinner?'"

-- "Does this city make my butt look big?" --

-- "Angry Alien Productions: 30-Second Bunnies Theatre and other cartoons."

-- Thought of the day: --
-- "In the long run you hit only what you aim at. Therefore, though you should fail immediately, you had better aim at something high." - Henry David Thoreau
1817-1862, Essayist and Poet


-- "The best sex of your life: 4 Tips to improve your sex life" --

You've got sex on your mind -- "Dutch group develops 'intelligent pill'" --

-- Expert: Sex, Internet addictions go hand-in-hand

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy. --

Will you let me be yours? --

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you. - Admit to being useless and inferior. - You have ruined me. - For other men I yearn, for you I have no feelings whatsoever. - When we're apart I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

-- Yours, Susan

Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'family jewels."

-- "Protection Can Be Fun - 10 Most Brilliant and Fun Condom Ads" --

-- "According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman 11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy's been asleep for nine minutes." - Jay Leno

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Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly….not any housework. That, he declared, was ‘woman’s work.’

One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren’t so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full- time job. The next day, she couldn’t wait to tell her friends in the office. “How did it work out?” they asked.

“Well, it was a great dinner,” Mary said. “Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away.”

“But what about afterward?” her friends wanted to know.

“Oh, that part didn’t work out,” Mary said. “Charley was too tired.”
-- OLD AGE is coming at a really bad time!
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Results of a recent research shows that there are seven kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen and laundry room. (Hint: on top the vibrating washer).

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom (when the kids are sleeping).

The 4th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular - Where Conception is a Miracle)

The 5th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you" and *"I don't give a F--k!"

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. "It's the screwing you get for the screwing you got!"

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.


-- My wife and I were going through a rough patch financially, but we kept ourselves sane by repeating, "As long as we have each other, we don't need anything else."

-- But when the television in our bedroom broke and we couldn't afford to repair or replace it, my wife lost it.

-- "That's just great!" she shouted. "Now there's no entertainment in our bedroom at all!"


-- -- Changing Gender

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed : "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies".

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing.

By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"
-------------------------->> --------------------------->> ---------------->> ------------------>> ---------------->>
-- An anthropologist shows off his priceless trove of treasure to his saintly grandmother. "What's that?" she asks, pointing to an oddly shaped item.

-- "Uh..." stammers the anthropologist, "it's a phallic symbol." -- "Oh," says his grandmother, nodding her head. "That's good, 'cause I hate to tell you what it looks like."
------------------>> ------------------>> ------>> ---------------->> ---------------->> ---------------->>

Did you hear about the baby born in the high-tech delivery room? It was cordless!


Facts about Americans. Did you know that...

Remember when you are reading this that 90% of people say that they sometimes lie:


* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????)


* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.

* 17% have been caught by the host.

* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

* 29% of us ignore RSVP.

* 35% give to charity at least once a month.

* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.


* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

* Snickers is the most popular candy.

* 22% of us skip lunch daily.

* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.

* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.


* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

* 33% of women lie about their weight.

* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

(I thought that was preferred Trident gum)

* The average girl starts her period at age 12.

* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

Have you noticed that the doors on public restrooms for both men and women are pushed inward when entering those doors? And when you leave the restroom, you have to pull a handle to get out? Couldn't they just as easily be put on in-reverse? - Thus, installed correctly so that one only has to push with ones elbows to leave and get out.

Did you know that a good many men and women DO NOT WASH THEIR HANDS after they evacuate their bowels? That they touch the door handles with their unclean hands? That even when you have washed and dried your hands, that you have to pull that restroom door open, touching germs and grime!!

And that diseases are passed on to others this way, by shaking another's contaminated hands or touching ones own unclean genitals.

* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.

* 45.2% pee in the shower.

* 44.9% pee in the ocean.

* 28.1% pee in the pool.

* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.


* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

(and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)

* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

* 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

(This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)

* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
Proposed Innovation: The Yellow Light would have large numbers upon it and would come on when the Green Light came on. The number would indicate the speed that proceeding traffic should follow in order to have a Green Light at the next intersection. The Yellow Light would flash for ten-seconds before the Red Light would come on. This timing would normally allow a free flow of traffic and would save fuel. It would also save a $100 Traffic Fine for going through a Red Light!

* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.


13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.


* 90% believe in divine retribution.

* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

(That's one Commandment per person on average)

* 82% believe in an afterlife.

* 45% believe in ghosts.

* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)

* 49% believe in ESP.


* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

* 59% of us say we're average-looking.

* Less than 10% are trilingual.

* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

* 44% reuse tinfoil.

* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.


* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

(How many claim they are?)
-- They were back in their own cozy home after a thrill packed honeymoon vacation in the Bahamas...

-- The next morning, he rose early to go back to work. He found his sweet bride sitting on the edge of the bed, crying. -- "What, what's the matter?" he so gently comforted her. -- "I am no good.. I'm not able to please you. I never learned to cook anything. I don't know how to make your breakfast. No hot sausages, and no scrambled eggs??"

-- "Aw, honey, darling, sweetheart, you are enough for me. Come here - come back to bed - I can't get enough of you - you are enough for my breakfast." --

-- He went off to work with a slight skip in his walk. He would get a bite of food at work; she satisfied his sexual need..and that was fulfilling.

-- He came home from work later that afternoon. She stood there stark naked, having waiting expectantly at the front door. She kissed him affectionately and they embraced for a long time.

-- She said, "Wait a minute." and ran up the stairs. She straddled the banister at the top and then slid down. She ran up the staircase again and slid down the banister a second time.

-- "Honey, sweetheart, what.. why are you doing that for? he asked confused. -- "Hurry darling, follow me upstairs. - I just warmed-up your dinner."

* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

* 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue)
(And what percent said yes?)


Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing that they could do. Like it or not he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus never made any friends.

One day a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window bearing in it's mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when he woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.

-- -- Thought of the day --

-- You are the conductor of your own train on the tracks of life and you are strong enough to go places you want to go. Don't let a little hill stop you - choose the reality you wish to create, not the one you're afraid might occur. Soon enough you'll be able to say just like the little engine, "I know I can!" -- Heather Walter

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A circus advertised for a Lion Tamer and two people showed up. One, who claimed he was a Big Game Hunter that spent 30-years in the Jungle and had first hand experience with lions. The other, a 26-year old beautiful blonde girl, with curves in all the right places.

The Ringmaster lead them to the lion cage. Inside this cage was this huge beast of a lion. He bared his teeth and roared when he saw them.

The Ringmaster explained, "This is a very wild lion and has never tasted the whip. He is ferocious, and in fact, he killed and ate the last lion tamer who tried to tame him."

The Ringmaster continued, "Who wants to be the first to go in there to tame him? !!"

The Beautiful Girl volunteered to go in first. - He gave her a chair, a whip, and a loaded revolver.

She threw down the chair and the whip and the loaded revolver. She stripped naked - took off all her clothes and opened the cage door and stepped in.

With one leap the lion was before her. He looked her straight in the eye.. She looked him straight in the eye. He sniffed her and then started licking her. - He licked her bare feet, then her legs and thighs, then her pubic mound between her shapely legs, then her stomach, her neck and then her face and ears.

The lion then walked behind her and started again licking. She stood brazenly, accepting his wet tounge as he licked her shoulders, her curved spine with its pert buttocks. He slurped his tounge slowly down her bare thighs and firm legs. He then walked back in front of her and submissively layed down at her feet. She, in her triumph, sat upon his broad back; Victorious!

The Ringmaster said to the Big Game Hunter, "Can you beat that?!!"

"You just take that Lion out of the cage and leave her to me and I'll show you ... the Lion ... he missed her breasts!!"

_______________Global Facts . . .

At Any Given Moment:

_____ 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.

_____ 58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 old timer is reading emails.